Word Vomit: Belly Fat

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Why am I doing this? Who am I doing this for?

Those are the questions of motivation. And the only answer is to make me feel good about myself. I am doing this for me because I have to be comfortable in my own skin.

I gained a lot of weight. The maximum for which is 77 kilograms which is normal for a person of my heights, 177 cm. What is not acceptable is a chunk of belly fat that is very noticeable.

I don’t like it. I loved it when I had a flat abdomen. I do not seek 6-pack abs. I just want it to be flat.

I am just hoping that I can do this. Anyway, I went through a week without rice and less of the bad carbs like bread and pasta. I hope I can continue this.

Fighting! 화이팅!

Word Vomit: Dysfunctional

That was actually meant for me and my siblings. And yes, those came from the mouths of my aunt and uncle. Great family, huh?

No. This is not meant for them to lose merit. This is only an example of what I was born into? What kind of siblings will talk about their sibling’s children that way? If possible, you would want to make them better in your eyes.

The thing is that some people set impossible standards. Or, in business terms, the meeting for setting expectations was skied. That was not our fault. We, as siblings, could never do the things you did when you were little. Times have changed. Situations, too. And there are totally other factors that the fingers of both my hands and feet cannot count.

If I am dysfunctional, than what does that make you? The bigger dysfunctionals? It takes a village to raise a child and you are a part of that village. So, call me stupid but you have a had on making us the dysfunctional people you know today.

I guess that this is just falling apart. I don’t mind. You weren’t the people I wanted anyway.

Word Vomit: Blessings in Disguise

We are always being reminded of the saying “everything happens for a reason”. And, in most cases, we always want to know the reason behind things happening. It’s nature’s irony that we sometimes know the reason behind what has transpired and, to our delight, we become grateful for whatever has happened and the effects it had.

I had that kind of experience. Actually, it was twice the blessing. I have this problem and I tried to put it aside until I have a strong solution to it. I know that putting it aside does not help solve the problem. But, I also know that one factor towards solving a problem is facing it when you’re ready to fight. A man prepared for battle is better than the one with the highest technology. I didn’t have a strategy yet so I was not focusing on it.

Lately, I was given a handsome amount of money (yes, most problems do have money as its cause). It was a solution to one other problem – a problem that is easier to solve. The thing is the handsome amount of money is too handsome. It more than covers for both of my problems. I was actually overwhelmed with the amount when I was given it. I was actually thinking about things I can do with the money because it was that handsome.

So, in the end, after all the overwhelming feeling. I get two of my problems solved. I get to breathe a little easier and I am able to continue with life as if nothing has worried me.

Blessings in disguise are such a great mystery. You never know when they happen. When they do, I really have to be thankful for it. I tried to share whatever amount I have left and I tried to make people feel how life has been good to me.

Word Vomit: DTR Again

123rd day.

What a coincidence.

We just discovered where we are now in our relationship. Apparently, we’re near the point where we will be officially enter a relationship. When that point will come I don’t know. I just don’t want to put too much pressure. Because, as I learned in thermodynamics, when the volume of the container remains constant and you increase the pressure, the temperature will also increase.

We don’t want exploding heads in this relationship. Nor do we want exploding hearts.

Word Vomit: Protection

There has been an influx of text messages from a certain random number.

He kept telling me bad things about A – about how I’d never be someone he’ll like, about how he is already in love with another person, about how I don’t deserve someone like him. These are some of the things he boldly told me. He also warned me about the possibility that he’s already in love with someone else that he won’t even be interested in me.

It hurts.

And he does the same things to A. He kept telling him about what I’m supposed to think or do. He told A that he isn’t the one for me and the he doesn’t like A and me getting back together.

This, he proclaims he does because he is a friend.

WHAT A FRIEND HE COULD HAVE BEEN.

I know that the intentions are there but there is definitely a better way of telling us these stuff. I haven’t been a closed book regarding this relationship with A and I definitely let my friends feel that I am open to whatever it is they want to say. How could a ‘friend’ do this to his friend?

Why, I am not even surprised. I am just wondering what he gets from all these. What is in it for him? Will he get the satisfaction he needs when A and I break up? Will he be so much happier having to see his friend sulk in the depths of sorrow? How could he have even thought of this idea?

I just wish that people will have the courage to tell stuff to other people’s faces. It would have been better that way. I would have appreciated it more.

In the end, I don’t need his supposed ‘protection’. I need them to let me make my own decisions and learn from my own mistakes. That’s how life works. If not, I would just make the same old decisions because I don’t know what effect they have. So much for being friends.

Word Vomit: Buses and Trains

I walked under a bus. I got hit by a train. I keep falling in love which is kinda the same.

I was on my way home when I suddenly had this song enter my mind. The lyrics to the song are kind of apt to my situation.

Remember the singer complaining about how her mom never teaching her anything? I feel like that too. It seems like I don’t have anybody to talk to regarding my situation. I don’t have older people to rely on in terms of advice about the world or love. I get the generic stuff but I need someone who has the expertise in dealing with situations that I also encounter.

Actually, I don’t have to blame anyone because we are ought to be resourceful.

When it comes to love, I never seem to have someone to look up to. All I have are people of the same age with a little more experience than me. I never get to know how the dating thing goes or how I know if someone likes me. It’s just confusing sometimes.

And that’s how I feel lately too – being walked under a bus and hit by a train.

Word Vomit: The 75 Days of You and Me

Wow.

I could not believe that we have been doing this for 75 days already. By this, I meant that we are trying to build a relationship.

I was so happy the day you said that you’re open to the possibility of us building a relationship. There were times that I almost felt like this is going to be a dead end because we weren’t making any progress. But, anyhow, every month we have elevated our status to something higher from what we initially started.

Remember last November when I said that I liked you and you just brushed me off? You told me that a friend was all you could ever be to me. So, what happened? We’re on to something like you wanting to make me happy and vice versa.

It’s a long tough road. But, I guess, the passion started to kick in when you were responsive to the things I was doing. I was especially happy when you didn’t care about being seen with me and when others started teasing us.

I am also happy that you’re being honest about the adjustment you’re going through. I know that you’re still thinking of how a same-sex relationship work but so am I. I want us to make this journey together. I know that you sometimes receive pressure from me but I also like that you tell me to take it slow. There’s nothing so wrong about building a strong foundation for a relationship.

Thank you for letting me hold your hand on our way back from Baler. Thank you for the hugs before we sleep.

I want you to be the first and the last.