I Have Decided

It all starts with a decision.

Last Sunday, I broke down. I felt my world fall apart and everything I used to believe in suddenly became the wrong ones. I realized that some of the things I did and continuously do are for all the wrong reasons.

Thus, I do not feel as free and as happy as I should be.

I told my sister this and what she replied was a real dagger to the heart:

Maybe you don’t fully appreciate yourself. You have to love yourself first.

It was true. I have this notion of an ideal person with the right amount of everything. Every time I there is a decision I have to make, I would always look at that ideal and base my decision on that. Even if it is something I really want to do, if it deviates from the ideal, I will not do it.

I have a lot of internal conflict as a result. So much that I could not carry them any longer. Thus, the breakdown.

So, I have decided. I have to leave the old me behind and rebuild a new identity. I want to be someone who does not care about what other people may think because at the end of the day, I make my own happiness. I will try to accept everything as they are and not read too much into things.

And, last and definitely the most important, I have to accept the things that I do, think and decide on with a whole heart. I will not hate myself for thinking of things in a different way and I will not stop myself from doing the things I want to do as long as I do not hurt other people.

It all starts with a decision and I have decided to start it right now. Not next year, not next week. Now.

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