Yesterday, I had a talk with my sister. After I have broken down and cried, I tried to clear my mind to know what I should do next.
My sister is a graduate of psychology so I guess she does have some experience with human behavior.
I feel like, for my current set of friends, I have built a reputation of being prim and proper, always politically-correct, unbiased and not judgmental. I think I have become the person of high morals, the conservative one and the one with great ideals.
My real problem is, I do not want to veer away from that stereotype. All of my moves are calculated and I will always think if people will see my moves as good or bad. That’s how robotic my life has been. I have been bounded by a certain type of personality that I have no room to think and do things for myself.
When there is something that I want to do, I would always think about this stereotype. Will it be fitting? Will I be seen as something else? And then, internal conflict arises. That is what I have been feeling for quite some time now.
I have always been mindful of what others think about me. That is my problem. I don’t think I was ever free in the things that I do. I don’t even think that I know myself well.
My sister told me that I should always appreciate the things that I receive and to live one day at the time. The present moment is more important. The past is meant to be learned from and the future hasn’t happened yet.
I love my sister for the things she says to me. She has never been judgmental and is always neutral about things. She speaks from experience that’s why I trust her words and her criticisms.
At the end of the day, I have to learn one thing from her book. That is to trust the Lord’s plans for us. I may not be religious but I believe in a higher power that controls most of the things that happens to us. We get what we deserve.
I have decided to leave everything that stresses me behind. I have decided to not let others’ words bother me especially when they don’t really know my story. I have decided to learn to love myself more – the things I do, the things I like, the things I want and the things that I don’t really understand about myself. I have decided to go for the things that I really want without thinking if others will judge me.
I am still on a hangover. I am still floating. But, I guess, what is more important is that I have a plan in mind.