I Refuse

I do not know the problem with this Monday.

I am very much looking forward to the last week of November but this is not how I had hoped it would start. I don’t know the reason why I am feeling so down and isolated. I did not know why I chose to just do my ERM online class instead of focus on my projects. I do not know why I enjoy researching for Baler.

Maybe, I just needed a time away from everything. I think Baler will be the answer to that. But  Baler is a long 5 months away from today.

Or maybe, things just aren’t turning out to be how I envisioned them to be? Could this be regret? Could this be frustration and disappointment? Or could this just mean that I’m so sick of the hellhole I call my place of work?

It could be the combination of all of these and they are just making things challenging for me. True enough, my horoscope says:

Expect big challenges early in the week — but they’re the kind of challenges you can really sink your teeth into! You might end up impressing the right person, or at least showing someone you care about that you can pull off miracles.

What could that have meant? I mean, you might not get why I sort of believe in horoscopes. They have been right these past few days / weeks. Or it’s just that I was able to pattern them to what happened in my life.

November has been a very good month. I refuse to end it feeling this way. I refuse to be put down by things that worry me. I don’t need people who don’t need me in their lives.

I just refuse to go down. I think that my innate INFJ personality just kicked in. There was no room for thinking, I just went with how I felt. I think that I badly need the haircut me and my friends are talking about earlier. I need to feel free again. I need to feel like something has changed.

I think I will wallow in this semi-depressed mood first and I’ll do my best to make myself feel alive by making myself cry.


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